


captain hook

by bodhirookes



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, Bathroom Sex, Blow Jobs, First Time Blow Jobs, Friends to Lovers, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Office Blow Jobs, Office Sex, Public Blow Jobs, Semi-Public Sex, also ryan and shane are imbeciles pass it on, generic office au not bf or watcher, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:35:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28277733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bodhirookes/pseuds/bodhirookes
Summary: Once Ryan comes to terms with the fact that he’s attracted to men, he decides to express himself in a direct, straightforward way. Because expressing oneself in a direct, straightforward way is the key to success, especially within the realm of coming out.“So—apparently I like penises, and I don't care what you do with that information."Steven blinks several times. “What I would love to do with that information is immediately purge it from my brain.”“Dude, I was trying to have a heartfelt moment with you!”“Yeah, but now all I can think about is you in the near vicinity of multiple penises, so! Not a great start, Ryan.”Or, Ryan decides to come out at work in the dumbest way possible and it somehow turns out great (as great as blowing your best friend in the public, first floor bathroom can ever turn out)
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, side Standrew but just barely
Comments: 30
Kudos: 154





	captain hook

**Author's Note:**

  * For [popkin16](https://archiveofourown.org/users/popkin16/gifts).



> so what we're apparently doing now is going from an 85k angels and demons au directly to porn ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ this was created on an absolutely random whim when the the shyan shipping discord prompt daddy (ily tana ♡) suggested the prompt of: "so apparently i like penises and i don't care what you do with that information." and i went absolutely batshit feral and wrote like 700 words for it in 3 minutes??? lol???? and then by popular demand was encouraged to finish this thing so here we are, 4.6k of nonsense later. i wrote it all in like 3 hours total so hopefully it doesn't suck!!! this is for yall horny boys!!!
> 
> but this is specifically being dedicated to my angel pop, who read over this and reassured me that the smut was not mega cringy so that made me excited to post it lmao!!! and also helped me come up with some of the wording/execution for the part where ryan,,, yknow,,,,, i love u buddy!!! i'm glad you liked this trainwreck :") 
> 
> i hope you enjoy a nice round of office sex!! title comes from "captain hook" by megan thee stallion for obvious reasons ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Once Ryan comes to terms with the fact that he’s attracted to men, he decides to express himself in a direct, straightforward way. Because expressing oneself in a direct, straightforward way is the key to success, especially within the realm of coming out. 

“So—apparently I like penises, and I don't care what you do with that information."

Steven blinks several times. “What I would love to do with that information is immediately purge it from my brain.” 

Ryan, who is sitting across from him at a table in the breakroom, frowns. “Dude, I was trying to have a heartfelt moment with you!” 

“Yeah, but now all I can think about is you in the near vicinity of multiple penises, so! Not a great start, Ryan.” 

“I’ve heard that before,” Andrew announces, dropping into the seat next to Steven. Ryan is suddenly thinking that his plan to come out to his friends might be less than stellar. “What are you scheming now, Bergara? Something that will put us all into an Urgent Care?” 

“Actually, I was scheming to publicly announce how gay I am because I cannot possibly contain it within myself any longer. So—Andrew, apparently I like penises, and I don't care what you do with that information."

Steven groans, “It wasn’t any better the second time you said it, you freak,” and Andrew says, “Ooooh, a scheme that will most definitely land you in an Urgent Care.” 

Ryan is 100% starting to regret this tactic. They’re not even being supportive and encouraging, or saying that they’re happy for him. Fucking heathens. “What? Why?” 

“You really don’t know? You haven’t even _considered_ it?” 

“I literally just decided to come and tell Steven I like dick about four seconds ago. This is uncharted territory for me.”

“I don’t know why I asked,” Andrew agrees, and then jerks his thumb over his shoulder. “Well, I’ll lay it out for you. You like penises, and there just so happens to be a particular specimen in the office who 1) also likes penises, 2) likes your penis specifically, and 3) has an enormous penis of his own to match.” 

Ryan, utterly baffled, follows Andrew’s thumb across the room to where Shane is minding his own business and pouring himself some coffee. Ryan’s first instinct is to admire how devastatingly hot he looks in a turtleneck sweater, a cardigan, and chinos, with his glasses perched on the end of his nose and hair its typical wild mess. And then his brain catches up with the rest of Andrew’s sentence and almost spontaneously combusts. 

“Shut the fuck up!” Ryan hisses, hating that he ever associated with Steven and his chaotic husband. “You—he—“ 

“You don’t believe me?” Andrew doesn’t wait for Ryan to choke out another response before turning around and shouting: “Hey, Madej!” 

Shane looks up, as unconcerned as ever, not having heard a word of their horrible conversation. “Yeah?” 

Ryan is trying to reach across the table to slap a hand over Andrew’s mouth and wave his arms frantically at Shane at the same time, so it’s a pretty useless diversion all around. It doesn’t help that Steven, now in on the shenanigans, is helping by pushing Ryan’s hands away from Andrew’s face and laughing in pure delight. 

“I just thought I’d let you know that, per Ryan Bergara himself, he ‘likes penises, and doesn't care what you do with that information.’”

“That’s _not_ how I said it,” Ryan whines miserably. 

He goes to tell Shane as much, but stops when he notices that his (hot, beautiful, stupidly attractive) best friend is staring across the room at Ryan like he’s seeing him for the first time ever. Ryan, for a prolonged, nauseous second, thinks that Shane is going to be disgusted by this enlightening news, but then watches as a bright red blush works its way up his neck and across the tops of his cheeks and nose. Ryan finds himself unable to look away from it, or the way Shane licks his similarly red lips, or the way Shane is, for once, at a complete loss for words. 

“Oh,” is what he eventually settles on, eyes trailing down Ryan’s throat. “I see.” 

Ryan is still staring at him when Andrew turns back, pats his now-immobile hands, and loudly whispers: “You’re welcome, pal. Call me from Urgent Care with the deets.” 

He hears this like he’s at the bottom of a pool, the words warped and fuzzy. Steven laughs again and says something to Andrew, probably a super rude and condescending something, but Ryan is laser-focused on Shane Madej and Shane Madej alone. On his red mouth, and his pretty blush, and the way he’s very, very clearly eye-fucking Ryan across the room. The way he’s leaning against the counter and stirring his fresh mug of coffee and staring at Ryan like he wants to slam him onto the table and—

“You know what,” Ryan announces, interrupting Andrew and Steven’s fuckery. “I think you might be onto something here, Ilnyckyj.” 

“I know I am, thanks,” Andrew replies, just as Steven says: “Yeah, we’ve only been hinting at it since the day you were hired, dumbass.” 

This pulls Ryan away from Shane’s thousand-yard stare and the peculiar crease in his chinos. “I’m sorry, what?” 

Steven raises his eyebrows, a million and one different variations of unimpressed. “Please tell me you’re kidding.” 

“As we established, my sweet, sweet Big Apple Stevie, I am currently wading through uncharted territory here. I honestly didn’t realize how ridiculously into penis I am prior to Monday night.” 

“Ryan,” he sighs, tipping his head back, looking up at the ceiling like he’s begging for Jesus to take the wheel, “you and Shane have definitely been in love with each other for about three years now." 

Ryan squints at him, and then at Shane, who is now preparing his lunch and sneaking looks at their table. Since they’re back to using inside voices, he’s unable to hear the continuation of their horrible conversation. 

“No shit,” Ryan says, but doesn’t rush to deny it. “That actually explains a lot.” 

Andrew makes a humored noise. “Like what? Your sudden and desperate love for dick?” 

“I was actually thinking more along the lines of why my dick gets hard every time Shane smiles at me. And wears jeans.”

“That’s my cue.” Steven gets to his feet and strides to the entrance of the breakroom. But, before leaving completely, flicks Ryan on the forehead and tells him: “Congrats on coming out. I’m proud of you for that singular thing, and that’s it.” 

“I’m touched, man,” Ryan croons, laying a hand over his heart. “It really means a lot to me.” 

“Yeah, congratulations,” Andrew repeats, getting to his feet as well. “And seriously—the second you wind up in an Urgent Care because Big Dick Madej snapped your spine in half, I want all the details. Every last one.” 

“That’s quite enough!” Steven shrieks, as quietly as he possibly can. 

Ryan just smirks. “Sure thing, Andrew. I’ll call you up while they’re putting my vertebrae back in place.” 

“Excellent.” 

Ryan watches as Steven forcefully pulls Andrew out of the breakroom by the collar of his shirt, and when he turns back to his half-eaten lunch, Shane is standing behind the chairs they were previously occupying. He’s got his huge hands wrapped around the backs of each chair; it’s meant to be a casual pose, like they’re chatting about the big report coming up, but the way his knuckles are turning white belies what he’s really aiming for, what he’s really here to, uh, _chat about._

“So,” Shane starts, giving Ryan another pointed Look. “I heard that you are into penises. I’m happy for you.” 

Ryan purposely misunderstands when he replies: “Thanks! I just decided I wanted to get it out in the open and not worry about it, you know?” 

“Most definitely,” Shane agrees, leaning further across the table. “As you’re well aware, I’m also part of the population who enjoys a nice penis now and then. Emphasis on the now.” 

“Yeah, I’m well aware, big guy. I’ve been saving that little diddle up here since the minute you told me.” 

Ryan taps the side of his head and gives Shane a look that he would’ve categorized as teasing yesterday, but unquestionably categorizes as flirty today. In return, Shane gives him a look that can only be categorized as scorching, no matter who’s witnessing it and when. For the first time since he took the plunge of coming out to his friends (a whole ten minutes ago), he thinks that maybe his plan wasn’t so bad, after all. 

“You also said that you didn’t care what was done with this exciting and interesting new fact about yourself. On a scale of one to ten, how accurate would you say this statement really is?” 

“Depends.” Ryan shrugs, cool as a cucumber. “Steven and Andrew each get a solid -2. You? There’s not a number I could even try and assign.” 

Shane’s pupils dilate, until there’s only a very, very thin line of amber left in the pool of black. Ryan calmly folds his hands together and squeezes to keep from dragging him across the tabletop. 

“I think I have a suggestion.” 

“Yeah? What’s that?” 

Shane pushes away from the chairs and takes a step back, so Ryan can see that he’s half-hard in his impeccable chinos. “I think I would go ahead and give it a meet in the bathroom in thirty seconds or I’ll come find you at your desk where everyone can see us out of ten.”

Ryan’s response is breathless, like Shane just punched him directly in the solar plexus. “Hey, that’s what I was gonna say.”

“Super,” Shane declares, and then storms out of the breakroom. 

Ryan doesn’t even wait the full thirty seconds before he gets up, shoves his lunch back into the communal fridge, and takes off for the bathrooms as instructed. He knows the exact one Shane went for—it’s at the other end of the first floor, one whose door is partially hidden behind an overgrown ficus tree and locks from the inside. Ryan tries to make it look like he’s just walking to the bathroom like any other person, and not like he’s about to go make out with the guy he’s probably been in love with since the second he laid eyes on him. 

He carefully steps into the bathroom, looking around to see if there is anyone doing their thing. He sees no one but Shane, who is leaning up against a sink like he’s the fucking Lone Ranger. 

“Hey,” Ryan says lamely, as if they weren’t just having verbal foreplay in the breakroom. He locks the door behind him, and asks: “How’s it going?” 

“Well, I just found out that the guy I’ve been jerking it to for the past several months is shockingly into penises, and maybe even the one attached to my person, so it’s going pretty swimmingly.” 

“That’s wicked,” Ryan supplies, and then he’s standing in front of Shane and yanking him down into a hot, messy kiss. 

Shane grabs Ryan by the hips and pulls him closer, until their fronts are pressed together into one endless line of heat. Ryan can feel how hard he is, just from their wonderful chat and their sloppy first kiss, and all of the blood in his body makes a beeline for his dick, leaves him reeling and gasping against Shane’s teeth. 

He kisses Shane again and again, until his head is spinning, and then he leans away to take a look at him. His vision is filled by the sight of Shane’s red, slick mouth, his stunning, half-lidded eyes, his wild hair, now even more wild from Ryan shoving his hands through it, and how he really, truly did not realize how badly he wanted to get dicked down by Shane Madej is an incredible mystery to him. 

“So Andrew has this theory,” Ryan tells Shane, panting lightly. “He thinks that you are a fan of my penis, and that you also have a well-endowed penis that would like to shack up with mine. Thoughts?” 

“It is considered pretty proportionate,” Shane acknowledges, “and Andrew, for the first time ever, is entirely correct in stating that I have wishful and nefarious thoughts about your penis, Mr. Bergara. If that’s something that you would be interested in pursuing.” 

Ryan, more-so out of instinct than to be sexy, grinds up against Shane and says: “I am very interested. So interested, in fact, that I would like to suck you off right this second in this sanitary, private bathroom. If that’s something that _you_ would be interested in pursuing.”

 _“Ryan,”_ Shane groans, falling out of their banter. “You’re literally killing me here, little guy. I’m not equipped to handle getting so fucking worked up so quickly at my age.” 

“You’re 34, Pop Pops,” Ryan snorts, and then sinks to his knees, dragging his hands along Shane’s chest and stomach as he goes. “And I’m the one doing all the work here, am I not?” 

That snaps Shane right back into his sex god persona, into this hot, hungry stranger that basically told Ryan to follow him to the bathroom to have sex at work Or Else. In a very healthy, sufficiently communicated, consensual way, the sexiest way of all. 

“‘All the work?’” Shane laughs, but it’s dark and rough around the edges, something that shoots a bolt of arousal through Ryan. “Sweetheart, you _just_ figured out that you like cock—what makes you think you know how to suck one?” 

The words, though true, are said with the same dark, rough edge, and leave Ryan feeling like he could come from this alone. Shane staring at him on his knees on the bathroom floor, mouth-level with the snap of Shane’s chinos, visibly hard in his tight work trousers, mouth and eyes both glossy from their messy kisses. Shane smiling like this is all just another regular Wednesday for him, while Ryan writhes around on the ground and begs Shane to let him suck him off and feels a hairpin trigger away from creaming his pants. 

“I’ve always found that diving right into the deep end works pretty well for me.” 

“Oh, I know,” Shane says sagely, tilting his hips forwards and away from the sink. “Your motto is ‘No time like the present.’” 

“It’s actually ‘No one ever learns by playing it safe,’ thank you very much.” 

Shane keeps one hand on the edge of the sink and slides the other one into the back of Ryan’s head, effortlessly pulling him forward. “Let’s get to learning, then.”

Ryan goes when he pulls, hands moving to undo the snap of Shane’s chinos. “Maybe I’ll already be a pro at sucking dick—maybe I was fucking born to do it. Ever think about that?” 

Shane hums, looking down at him with black, black, black eyes. “With your mouth, I wouldn’t be surprised. But how about learning if my dick is as big as Andrew made it out to be? Can’t do that by arguing, smartass.” 

“Says you,” Ryan shoots back, but then he’s undoing Shane’s zipper and working his chinos and briefs down over his hips, and learns pretty goddamn quickly that Andrew was _not_ exaggerating whatsoever. “Jesus H. Christ, Shane. One person should not be in possession of so much cock.” 

Shane grins sharply. “That just means you’ll be learning from the best.” 

And learn he does. Ryan upholds his belief that the best way to learn is by diving into the deep end, and wraps a hand around Shane’s proportionate, well-endowed cock to guide it into his mouth. He has no plan for this outside of doing what feels natural, doing what he remembers being done to him, and making up what he lacks in skill with enthusiasm. Going by the punched-out noise Shane releases when Ryan takes more of him in and moans, he’s also not terribly concerned about finesse in their current situation. 

Shane’s hold on his hair tightens, and Ryan’s eyes flutter shut, so that all of his attention is zeroed in on the weight of Shane’s cock on his tongue, the bitter tang of his precome, and the comforting sensation of almost his entire skull being cradled by Shane’s enormous hand. He breathes out through his nose and sinks down, seeing how much of Shane he can fit in his mouth at once, feeling the stretch of it all the way to his own aching cock and his curling toes. 

“For the first time ever, you might also be right about something, Ry.” Shane’s voice comes out hoarse, like he can’t get enough air into his lungs, like he’s been shouting for an hour straight. “You were born to do this.” 

Ryan’s eyes flutter open at the confession, and he drags his tongue up the underside of Shane’s cock as he leans back, leans back and says: “Not a pro, though?” 

He pairs this question with a firm suck on the head, mouth watering at the spurt of precome that follows. Shane exhales shakily, the only sign that he’s not quite as put together as he wants Ryan to think, and he stares intently at the place where his dick and Ryan’s bruised lips are connected. 

“You’re not a pro,” Shane insists, but then amends: “You’re fucking perfect. That mouth of yours could make the purest of men commit a war crime for a chance to fuck it.” 

“Music to my ears.” 

Ryan sucks at the head again and then takes Shane back into his mouth, desperate to swallow down even more. Shane’s cock is so big that Ryan can feel saliva leaking out of the sides of his mouth where it’s stretched wide, can feel it sliding down the length of Shane’s cock and over Ryan’s knuckles where they’re wrapped around the rest of it. It’s dirty and sloppy and makes him whine, makes his hip hitch up into nothing but empty air, makes him feel like he’s embarrassingly on the verge of coming already. 

It makes Shane laugh that same dark, rough laugh from before. “How you went this long without sucking cock is beyond me. You fucking love it, don’t you?” 

Ryan stares up at him and answers by sinking down farther, until he’s gagging and tears are springing to his eyes. Shane’s hand clenches in his hair as his throat spasms around his cock. The reaction invokes a sharp, bright sting in his scalp that makes Ryan whine a second time and makes his cock leak in the confinement of his stupidly tight pants. His hips hitch forwards again, and then again, but he keeps his empty hand on his left thigh, keeps it curled into a tight fist and doesn’t use it to touch himself. There’s something about the thought of only getting off with Shane’s cock stuffed down his throat that makes him feel like a livewire. Makes him feel more turned on than he’s ever been in his sorry, cock-less life. 

Shane finally wrenches his other hand off of the sink and presses it to Ryan’s cheek; the polarizing sensation of his dick being blood-hot and his hand being ice-cold where he’s touching Ryan’s face makes his head spin. He leans into Shane’s hand on his cheek and sucks him down until he can’t go any farther, then takes him farther anyways. 

“You love it, and you were born to do it,” Shane continues, the words like molten lava, like the smoke that lingers after a fire burns out. “And once you get some more practice, you’ll be an absolute fucking pro at it. Bet you won’t want to do anything else but suck cock once you get it down.”

Ryan already feels like he could do nothing but suck Shane off for the rest of his life, would be perfectly content with kneeling in front of him and making him come over and over. He already knows that he won’t be able to stop thinking about it until he gets Shane’s cock over and over and over again. 

He digs the nails of his free hand into his thigh, to try and reel in his dizzy thoughts, and Shane growls at the sight of it. He uses his hold on Ryan’s head to pull him backwards, until only the tip of his cock is still in Ryan’s swollen, wet mouth, and then he slides himself back in, watches every single inch that disappears over Ryan’s lips and tongue. He repeats the motion, then repeats it a few more times, and when Ryan realizes that Shane is gently fucking his face, he really does almost come in his pants. 

As if talking to himself, and not to Ryan, Shane whispers: _“Look at you._ Taking it like you’ve always known you were meant for this.” 

When Shane pulls him back again, Ryan waits until only the tip remains and he tells Shane: “I was always meant for your cock, big guy.” His voice is absolutely wrecked, fucked-out and reedy from having the biggest dick possible down it for the first time, and he sees Shane’s jaw clench at the sound of it, at the physical evidence of what his dick has done to Ryan. 

“Goddamn right you were,” Shane replies; when he pushes back into Ryan’s waiting mouth, it’s much less gentle, and the force behind it makes Ryan’s eyes roll into the back of his head. “Been waiting three years for you to figure it out. But it was worth it.” 

He’s guiding Ryan with his hands, but Ryan decides he wants a little more than what Shane is giving and sucks him in farther, swallows him down until he gags again. Shane lets out a helpless groan, his practiced control slipping until he’s messily thrusting into Ryan’s mouth and bringing himself right to the edge, precome a steady leak onto Ryan’s pliant tongue. Ryan forces his eyes open again, so that he can watch Shane tumble over, so that he can etch the sight of Shane orgasming into his brain and remember it for the rest of his life. 

Shane watches right back, fingers tangled in his hair and pressing into his cheek so that he can feel himself stretching Ryan’s mouth out. Ryan, unable to stand the building pressure in his abdomen and Shane’s bottomless eyes, sobs brokenly and shoves the heel of his other hand into the front of his work pants, right where his cock is pressing uncomfortably into his zipper. All he does is grind into his hand once, just to relieve some of the pressure, but it makes Shane hiss: “Is that how you’re gonna get off, baby? Not even really touching yourself? Just using the press of your hand? Go ahead and come in your pants like a fucking college kid then, because next time, I’m gonna fuck you and get you there _all by myself.”_

Ryan’s orgasm rips through him like a grenade detonating, and over the sudden rush of blood to his head and coming in his pants like a fucking college kid, he can hear his sobs echoing off of the walls of the bathroom. Shane still has his cock shoved into Ryan’s mouth, but it only muffles the noises by a few decibels, does nothing to hide how intense his orgasm is or the way it leaves him completely desolated when it ebbs away. 

Shane waits until he’s done, shivering and blinking stars from his eyes, still kneeling perfectly on the floor, and then rocks in again, back down Ryan’s aching throat. 

“Been waiting three years for this,” Shane says again, catching the lone tear that slips from Ryan’s eye on his thumb. “But I don’t know if I can wait any longer than tonight to fuck you. Want me to take you home tonight and fuck you until you can’t remember your own name?” 

Instead of pulling away to answer, Ryan reaches up and wraps his empty hand around Shane’s wrist, the one on his cheek. He makes sure that Shane is paying attention when he nods, and then takes as much of Shane’s cock as into his mouth as he can, hallowing his cheeks, curling his tongue along the vein underneath, and squeezing his arm hard enough to bruise. And then Ryan scrapes his teeth across the shaft, just so Shane can feel the faint sting of it, and Shane has to jerk his hand away from Ryan’s face to clap it over his mouth. He orgasms with a muffled curse, hips stuttering and come flooding Ryan’s tongue. He comes so much that Ryan can’t swallow it all, has to let some of it drip down his chin and splatter across his mouth, and Shane makes a noise like he’s dying, tries not to pull his hair too tightly at the sight of it. 

After his brain comes back online, Shane gently lets go of him and pulls his dick out of Ryan’s mouth, tucks it back into his still (somehow) pristine chinos. And then he just stares and stares at Ryan, who has yet to get off of his knees or clean his face up, who is just staring back with his wide, wide eyes.

Shane hesitates, before reaching out and gathering up some of the come on Ryan’s mouth with the same thumb that dried his lone tear. The gesture is soft and a little awkward compared to what they just did, and is so Shane-like that it makes Ryan break out into a huge, dopey grin. 

“Hey, speaking of mouths, I hope you plan on putting your money where yours is later, Madej.” 

Shane startles, and then laughs, laughs hard enough that he has to throw his head back and let it all out. “I hope you don’t think we’re going back to work for the rest of the day. I’m taking you home right this second and giving you the ol’ razzle dazzle.” 

Ryan feels a sudden squeeze in his chest, something he always thought was platonic fondness for Shane Madej, but has definitely always been a dangerous amount of love. 

“Very, very interested in pursuing. Let’s get the fuck out of here, big guy.” 

**_~.~.~_ **

After they get themselves (poorly) cleaned up, Shane leaves the bathroom first, and then Ryan follows. They’re trying to be as conspicuous as possible, but Ryan’s dorky smile and Shane’s sex flush are probably not doing them any favors. He finds that he could not give less of a shit, considering the fact that he just had the most incredible orgasm of his life and Shane promised him an even better one t-minus thirty minutes. 

On his way to collect his belongings and send a call-off email to his boss, Ryan stops by Andrew’s desk. 

“Hey, Ilnyckyj.” 

Andrew looks up from his paperwork, and replies: “What’s up, dude?” before taking a nice, big drink of water. 

“Just wanted to inform you that your deets will be coming later this evening. And also—Shane’s penis is pretty enormous, so thanks for the heads-up. I appreciated it.”

Then, in case Andrew misunderstands any part of _that_ comment, he casually wipes the corner of his mouth with a knuckle, and Andrew does the cleanest spit-take that Ryan has ever witnessed. 

“I didn’t—” Andrew chokes out, and then starts to cough and splutter in earnest. “I was fucking joking, Ryan, oh my God! What the fuck!” 

“I am definitely not,” Ryan trills, and then continues along to his desk, the exquisite sound of Andrew swearing and drying water off of his clothes following after. “I’ll be sure to call and let you know _exactly_ just how many places a spine can snap while getting fucked by Big Dick Madej. Toodles!” 

**Author's Note:**

> writing andrew was my favorite part of this lol what a dummy
> 
> edit 2/15: WOWIE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE POP [WROTE A LITTLE COMPANION FICLET](https://itsashyanshame.tumblr.com/post/643216496086204416/stop-playing) TO THIS FOR A CHALLENGE AND IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY, EVERYONE GO READ IT IMMEDIATELY


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